Monday, February 21, 2005
| Is Paul the ONE? I was writing an email to one of my readers this morning (Hi Pizzat!) about my relationship with Paul and I began thinking in depthly about our situation. As most of you know, Paul and I have been together for just over five years. Considering that I’m 27, that’s a big chunk of my life that has been spent with this guy. If we were a straight couple, everyone would be asking us when we would be getting married. And then a year after that, when are the grandkids coming?! But since we’re a gay couple, we haven’t quite reached that place when these deadlines would be imposed on us. Other than that, our relationship is very much like a straight couple. We live together, we love together, and most importantly, we understand each other more than anyone else in each of our lives. I depend on Paul as I would my best friend and he has the ability to create happiness in my life or conversely, create sadness. We celebrate anniversaries and birthdays together and sometimes we even visit with eachother’s families. It’s all very normal and as with any relationship, a lot of work. Last night when Paul got home, we somehow ended up having the “forever” conversation. Paul explained that he considers me to be the love of his life. I explained to him that I don’t know who the love of my life is supposed to be. Obviously he didn’t like that answer very much, but I feel like saying anything to the contrary would be a lie. When I was growing up, I always believed in one person for everyone. I believed that when you met that person, you would instinctively know that they were your soulmate, the one that completes you. But as I get older, I’m starting to believe less and less in that theory. I’m in love with Paul, that’s for sure. I just don’t know if he’s the one I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. That “recognition” that I believed would happen hasn’t come with him and I’m starting to get a little nervous about it. I always say that once my acting career takes off, I’ll know if Paul is the man for me. But is that just an excuse or is it a viable truth? Since Paul and I have yet to have intercourse together (yes, it’s strange, I know!), are we not supposed to be boyfriends? Are we meant to be just friends? Sometimes I feel as though Paul holds me back from what I really want to do with my life. But when I break it down and analyze it, I see that he’s not the problem. It’s me. Then I go back through the cycle, trying to find some sort of answer. Obviously the answer is within me…but where? How do I find it? Paul has given me so much to be happy about. I live in a beautiful apartment, I eat well, and he takes care of things for me so that I’m comfortable and content. He is a great and wonderful boy. I just don’t know if he’s supposed to be the last boy I ever date. When this used to bother me a lot, I would tell myself to take it day by day and see where I ended up. Well, I’ve been doing that for years now and I’m starting to wonder if I should stop taking it day by day and start being a little bit more proactive about it. Or maybe I’m just a selfish crazy asshole who always wants something more than what I have. |
